My heart muscles are exhausted.

stressed.frustated.afraid

r/s probs
prelim results
worries
of
the
As

sigh.

Im sorry of my attitude towards you
im sorry of the cold treatment
im sorry of the sacarstic remarks i made
im sorry of my ungrateful behaviour
im sorry for not appreciating your care
im sorry for not appreciating your efforts
im sorry for not appreciating your concerns
im sorry for being appreciative towards ur sacrifices
im sorry for not being understanding
im sorry for being immature
im sorry for being insensitive
im sorry for throwing my temper at you
im sorry for ignoring you
im sorry for being unreasonable at times
im sorry for not being able to make you feel happy
im sorry for making you angry
im sorry for not caring you enough
im sorry for not showering you with more love
im sorry for wasting your time by quarrelling
im sorry for commenting on you critically
im sorry for not listening to you
im sorry if i had taken you for granted
im sorry for making you upset of embarrasement issue
im sorry for not being there when you need me
im sorry for keeping things from you
im sorry for making you feel inferior
im sorry for not being a good girlfriend

but deep down i do love you very much,
i dont want to lose you.
yes im scared and troubled.
the past mnth quarrels has to stop.
does something have to happen before everything stops and be alright.
do take care my dear boy of ur health.

my heart ached again.
ill leave it alone since u're are unwell.
lets try to move on.

was thinking of separating of a short period of time frm now till all exams. thinking if it would be better. but i highly doubt so, it is just going to pull me in deeper, causing more aches.

honestly, i forgo-ed my priority of school for you. but its not obv. my mind its just you. studies are idk.

no crying tonight elaine!

got scolded by the father for having insufficient sleep, come on 4hrs a day is sufficient.
what to do with shit ass results.

im trying hard to understand, but evidently im failing miserably.
even the love is not felt, see how depressing can that be.
further pointing to a deeper failure.
really elaine.
no idea why im crying again.

hmm im okay i suppose.

cried in school, total embarrassment, thank god only w the close peeps.
i think i might spoil my heart muscles by all the aches i easily get.
halleluigh

hi failure again.
its nt even the As and i have been like this, imagine the week closer to prelims and As. hoobooy i have no idea. i fear to think abt it.

it makes me feel better being able to pen my thoughts down.

this week feels hmm i really dont know. myraid of feelings.
i know you got your projects and i should understand that u're busy.
but i have grown over too dependent on you and clingy on to you that, not being able to see you or talk to you feels . but my level for disappointment has far improved greatly, i no longer feel disappointed when you have to go offline leaving me alone in the night.
that should be a good thing though, right?

im not sure if im supposed to feel this way this week or am i even entitled and allowed or being fair to you by feeling this way.
but the least you could do though u are busy, could be trying to at least strike a conversation with me or just give me a call so i can hear your voice.

smth i just cant accept or understand the issue. that if im able to do it, why cant u at least spend some time, i just need some time talking with you.

you seem different, u seem changed. i hardly feel you're by my side. i hardly able to feel ur, love,care and concern for me. maybe it's just me being too sensitive, so dont u worry.

just focus on ur studies and be happy. it might prob be suffice for me. though sometimes i really want to tell you how i feel but i dnot want to throw on anymore stress, burden or worries on ur shoulders. though it sometimes really hurts trying to keep it all inside and putting on a happy and brave front infront of others. but everynight it just feels so alone.

crying myself to sleep seems to be a common occurrence. i should stop but i have a weak emotional side of me which im trying to be strong and improve.
u're often in my mind during lessons, worrying about our issues during school. hiding everything pretty well i suppose.

i know you're already pretty stressed up much, therefore i have decided and trying not to talk to you about my school. my studies are really worrying and scaring me to the core. honestly im feeling afraid. letting out my stress by crying alone. im not sure if im even capable or even able to make it through.

but i believe i can be strong.

but for now, ill just be quiet and guide you and comfort you. il cope with my worries alone.

Hi solace.

fk. the crying time is here again.
just suddenly the wave of stress hits me agn pretty hard.
really worrying and scaring me to the core.
im really hopeless.

defer was successful im thankful for that.
had one of the worst scares i had in my life,
gave me a mental shock for 2 days.
idk why i feel like crying again gosh i suck do i.
sheevonne toh i need you):
u're e person that never fails to make me laugh, i be really who i am when im with you.
that special inseparable bond we shared
sometimes i really want to give u a nice tight hug and thank you for everything u have done.

is it just me or you.
are we really meant for each other
does our character mean to match
sometimes i really dont know what to do or supposed to do.
maybe im just stupid or too self centered.
i cant seem to change.

the promos are just 76 days away,
i dont see any postive light ahead,
can i even go through this
im really a sucker at stress aint i
i seem to suck at everything
i always cry when i write in this blog.
u said i shld try to control, and im already am trying to control my emotional state.

i dont know what to do.

this blog is good for venting of anger, emo-ing.
the fear of not being able to make it to uni is just too overpowering.

i think by the end of As i woul have prob collected a bucket or pail of water. well is too extreme

deep down. i feel so darn alone. fighting this battle all by myself.

i seriously lack the discpline nowadays to stop myself from eating and studying hard.
fuck.

fk.
i dont know how im gg to face myself.
i dont know how im gg to face my parents
i dont know how im gg to face my teachers
i dont know how im gg to face my friends
i dont know how im gg to face reality.
i dont know how im gg to turn it all around.

i hate myself for being so weak. fk. get a grip

Things have been pretty busy and complex these few weeks.
I seem to be facing failures all the time no matter how hard i tried my effots doesnt seem to pay off. maybe im doing things wrongly. or maybe i lack the brain cells,
i totally regretted many things in my life starting from O levels. math has changed my future drastically. i cant study the course that i want to. now im in jc can i even make it through. all ill end up disappointing everyone else. including myself badly. sometimes i do not know why i work so hard for? at the end of the day what will i get? in terms of cca i feel like a failure. i dont even deserve the title. i achieved no success. on the surface it may look im okay with losing, im happy with losing. but deep down it kinda hurts knowing u have been beaten narrowly by a close friend. i seem to be constanstly stuck at the same level. i've prob given on cca.

i don't know whats wrong with me for the past days. i want to change my weakness in crying so easily when sometimes it's stupid. i do not know what im crying for. tears just seem to flow out of. i have been trying to refrain from breaking down in school. im a sucker at handling stress.
what do i live my live for? it feels painful to be insulted by many times. i just swallow it down and walk away. im being so stupid.

im happy i have met you. you have brought happiness into my life. sometimes or rather almost all the while. i do not deserve the care and love that you shower me upon. i do not know what to do with myself. or help myself.