fk.
i dont know how im gg to face myself.
i dont know how im gg to face my parents
i dont know how im gg to face my teachers
i dont know how im gg to face my friends
i dont know how im gg to face reality.
i dont know how im gg to turn it all around.

i hate myself for being so weak. fk. get a grip

Things have been pretty busy and complex these few weeks.
I seem to be facing failures all the time no matter how hard i tried my effots doesnt seem to pay off. maybe im doing things wrongly. or maybe i lack the brain cells,
i totally regretted many things in my life starting from O levels. math has changed my future drastically. i cant study the course that i want to. now im in jc can i even make it through. all ill end up disappointing everyone else. including myself badly. sometimes i do not know why i work so hard for? at the end of the day what will i get? in terms of cca i feel like a failure. i dont even deserve the title. i achieved no success. on the surface it may look im okay with losing, im happy with losing. but deep down it kinda hurts knowing u have been beaten narrowly by a close friend. i seem to be constanstly stuck at the same level. i've prob given on cca.

i don't know whats wrong with me for the past days. i want to change my weakness in crying so easily when sometimes it's stupid. i do not know what im crying for. tears just seem to flow out of. i have been trying to refrain from breaking down in school. im a sucker at handling stress.
what do i live my live for? it feels painful to be insulted by many times. i just swallow it down and walk away. im being so stupid.

im happy i have met you. you have brought happiness into my life. sometimes or rather almost all the while. i do not deserve the care and love that you shower me upon. i do not know what to do with myself. or help myself.

I'll learn to get used to disappointment. But such stuff is considered too minor for disappointment to set in. Learn and lower expectations.

Maybe im being too sensitive right now am i? I should give you some space. The whole thing seemed to have repeated itself. It's really painful. You don't seem to care much anymore. I can't sense ur warmth and security. im feeling lost and insecure . i just really hope you can learn to be understanding towards my actions and respect me. showing you love public is difficult you should know why. is to protect both of us, im doing what i can, trying my best. ill try my best to accomodate to your pride that you have, putting aside mine to make things look brighter. u said im not used to loving somebody. but im already trying my very best. rmb every single detail. even though guys may express their care differently but it's not an excuse either. when things are sreious you unknowingly joke about other stuff. Not aware of the seriousness of my tone. Then again it hurts. Do u really mean everything you said? i wonder. i started this blog just for my solace. to allow myself to feel a wole lot better compared to keeping it inside. i just feel i might break down one day if it continues. but no matter what i'll not give up. there's hope. truthfull im upset you had to abandon your dream partially cos of me. i feel useless and selfish towards you. i want you to be happy but i doubt you really are. im really sorry.

I feel terrible inside.